Risk Taking and Courage...

"It takes courage to love," says Maya Angelou to Dave Chappelle on Iconoclasts for the Sundance Channel. Yes, I must agree. "You risk everything," she smiles with a knowing nod and my heart breaks.



A few years ago, I had a health scare where I feared to have begun my road towards heart disease. My blood pressure had become very much elevated and I was experiencing chest pains. The philosopher within me was seeing the metaphor of how many times my heart has been broken and how much I've subjected my feelings to. I've been rough on my emotions and lived quite intensely. Maybe the time had come to give my heart a little break and take some medication to ease the work it goes through.

After a series of tests, I discovered the old tick tock is doing just fine. My blood pressure is okay and my beat goes on splendidly. So much for my lapse into middle age, apparently my body isn't ready to age just yet. I'm getting a second chance to do better for myself and work on maintenance. Time for some gratitude and a health kick!!

How does this apply to risk taking and courage? Well, it hasn't killed me yet!!

As I look back on my life, I think I've lived somewhat recklessly. I've quit jobs at a whim. Kicked people out of my life for whatever reason I felt was important at the time. I've traveled across the country for the hell of it for an adventure. I pursued and met the most intriguing people because I just had to, traveled with them and collaborated on fascinating projects together.

What is the price of risk taking? Oh, I love my life. My choices have separated me from many dear people and also created a lot of loneliness when others don't understand why I must do what I do. I've lost many things along the way, but oh the wonderful insights and lessons I've earned. There are many battle scars on my warrior soul, but the journey into the unknown has been amazing.

In retrospect, I don't know if I've really had courage. Maybe the biggest element of my choices has been the fear of being miserable in complacent living. Settling for unhappiness is the most frightening thought that kills the human spirit. Heaven forbid!!

I have to be me…Pa’lante!!

Intentions

If I had a dollar for every intention I’ve ever had, I’d have a lot of dollars!! There are so many things I intend to begin, do and finish…the list is endless!! For example, I sometimes pile things I would like to read. Then after the pile gets too high and I’m frustrated, I throw the whole pile away. Sometimes I think it is a commitment problem, sometimes I think I’m lazy…mostly I’ve come to believe I just don’t do everything I intend to do and need to revisit what intentions are really about. It is definitely time for a reality check.

The lovely thing about being part of Tuesday Topic is that the intention to blog has a new element of pressure to it. I have to think about how disappointed Jen Goode would be if I didn’t blog or how some of the other bloggers of the group would feel if I didn’t fulfill this commitment. I vowed to do this over milkshakes in the middle of the night at a Las Vegas conference. These are the pinnacle moments that define our lives and character. If you can’t keep a promise you’ve made after way too many cocktails over chocolate shakes, then your intentions are definitely in question. Or so I believe…

One of my peeves about intentions is when they are used as an excuse for promises not kept. When you ask a person why they haven’t fulfilled a promise and the answer is, “it was my intention…” It has dirty, rotten liar written all over it!! Intending to do something isn’t the same as doing it!! If you are going to do something just do it, intentions don’t cut it.

On that same note…I love intentions. When someone tells me about an intention, I get excited. Intending to do something is a promise of hope and vision. “My intended” is a loaded phrase as well promising the future of possibilities with a special someone. I prefer the notion even to fiancé. It is loaded with subconscious programming as to what the future might hold.

What are my intentions? Well, to express my innermost thoughts about how I view life and the subtle nature of the greenness of the pea. To study the nature of grass and other things that grows effortlessly creating the havoc of traffic and grocery store lines. These are all thoughts of a madwoman I know, but I never intended to be anything but what I am. Judge me as you wish, I bother no one by existing in my little slice of heaven on South Beach. I never intended to be anything more than what I am.