Who am I today?

Today, I am a dreamer, a writer and a lover of life. My identity isn’t really attached too much, I just enjoy being, thinking and living the moment. The stronger aspects of my life involve my values, my friends and family. There aren’t many materials things that really define me except living on South Beach. I can’t say I’m much attached too much, but I do love my little condo and my dragon collection. Other than that, well, I adore the wonderful people in my life and living as I please.

Who am I? Good question. I am Ana-Maria Figueredo, born in Brooklyn, raised in Queens and a product of Catholic schools in New Jersey. Gee, that’s scary!! I have a BA in English Literature and MS in Educational Technology. I’m a daughter, aunt, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, mentor, teacher, student, and hard working woman. Sometimes I’m just a woman, sometimes I’m just a spirit and sometimes I’m nothing at all but pure being.

Today, I’m a woman who has become increasingly:
• compassionate with others
• intolerant of stupidity or vulgarity
• a bit isolated
• a firm believer in goodness and purity of spirit
• a hopefully-not-hopeless-romantic
• someone who never gives up or in
• I laugh or cry easily
• I embrace with all my being
• all animals and children are precious to me
• I enjoy opera, blues/jazz or any form of great musical talent
• I’ve seen most of the United States
• I’ve shared special moments with people of all walks of life
• Each day I feel we aren’t getting the right answers because we aren’t asking the right questions.
• I think the right questions are the key to reality.

However, that isn’t the answer is it?

Who am I today?
A woman writing a blog and expressing her thoughts about her identity.

Who am I today?
Spirit

Who am I today?
Being

Who am I today so you can understand me?
Label me as you wish. Essence is can not be defined, it is perceived.

Who am I today?
Whoever you think I am.

Intentions

If I had a dollar for every intention I’ve ever had, I’d have a lot of dollars!! There are so many things I intend to begin, do and finish…the list is endless!! For example, I sometimes pile things I would like to read. Then after the pile gets too high and I’m frustrated, I throw the whole pile away. Sometimes I think it is a commitment problem, sometimes I think I’m lazy…mostly I’ve come to believe I just don’t do everything I intend to do and need to revisit what intentions are really about. It is definitely time for a reality check.

The lovely thing about being part of Tuesday Topic is that the intention to blog has a new element of pressure to it. I have to think about how disappointed Jen Goode would be if I didn’t blog or how some of the other bloggers of the group would feel if I didn’t fulfill this commitment. I vowed to do this over milkshakes in the middle of the night at a Las Vegas conference. These are the pinnacle moments that define our lives and character. If you can’t keep a promise you’ve made after way too many cocktails over chocolate shakes, then your intentions are definitely in question. Or so I believe…

One of my peeves about intentions is when they are used as an excuse for promises not kept. When you ask a person why they haven’t fulfilled a promise and the answer is, “it was my intention…” It has dirty, rotten liar written all over it!! Intending to do something isn’t the same as doing it!! If you are going to do something just do it, intentions don’t cut it.

On that same note…I love intentions. When someone tells me about an intention, I get excited. Intending to do something is a promise of hope and vision. “My intended” is a loaded phrase as well promising the future of possibilities with a special someone. I prefer the notion even to fiancé. It is loaded with subconscious programming as to what the future might hold.

What are my intentions? Well, to express my innermost thoughts about how I view life and the subtle nature of the greenness of the pea. To study the nature of grass and other things that grows effortlessly creating the havoc of traffic and grocery store lines. These are all thoughts of a madwoman I know, but I never intended to be anything but what I am. Judge me as you wish, I bother no one by existing in my little slice of heaven on South Beach. I never intended to be anything more than what I am.

Finding Fair

Is there such a thing as fairness? Life seems so random on how fortune, looks, health, happiness and relationships are distributed. Even within the same family, siblings can have such different fates or the luck of the draw in personal assets and talents. It never seems fair to me. Some people are simply gorgeous, some are intelligent, wealthy, athletic, funny, etc., then you have the deformed, ugly, mentally challenged, impoverished or simply unhealthy range of people. When I think of this disparity in the human race, I am filled with gratitude. So much has been given to me and is often taken for granted. It is a humbling feeling every day.

Just think of how superficial it seems when young, healthy and beautiful people complain about a few extra pounds or not having a certain shaped nose or other body part. What are they really complaining about? Haven’t they seen the homeless, sometimes physically mangled person living on the street without a home to call his/her own? What about the person who lives in hunger not knowing when the next meal might present itself? Why have we become so hung up on things that don’t really matter?

Yesterday morning I saw an image of the brutal beating Rihanna had at the rage of Chris Brown. What on earth can any person do to provoke such anger? These are two beautiful, talented young adults with seemingly everything going for them. In any relationship, we are all meant to be tender with each other. What has gone wrong in this picture? Why would anyone want to hurt such a lovely girl? My heart cried out for Rihanna's pain and humiliation, actually for Chris Brown's as well...
Does anything seem fair?

I’m a Libra and always seeking balance. I detest injustice and anything ugly like racism, any form of violence, rudeness and mean spiritedness. Libras are lovers of fairness and harmony. However, I am acutely aware of the lack of fairness everywhere. It doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t make excuses, it is just life. Find fairness where you can, but it isn’t distributed evenly.

Unfortunately, there isn’t any way to fix the disparity in the world. The only thing we can do is live as fairly as possible. Follow the golden rule, don’t be seduced by superficiality, treat everyone with good will and live with an open, generous heart. Be tender, mindful of other people’s feelings, take interest in those around you, never lose your spirit and spread as much happiness as humanly possible. We only have each other and within that miracle of existence is the key to fairness. Create the world you’d like to live in everyday by creating the fairness you wish to find.

Pay Yourself First

Giving and generous people sometimes have the bad habit of forgetting themselves. I try to guide many of my friends in this respect from my own lessons learned. There has to be a healthy balance between nurturing others and taking care of ourselves.

The unfortunate consequence is that we become filled with resentment and disgust at our own exhaustion with spending everything we’ve got on others instead of ourselves. What is a solution? Pay yourself first!!

Don’t wait for someone else to take care of your needs. If you’ve made your loved ones, family, friends and colleagues believe you are the “together” one who takes care of them, they probably won’t even think of taking care of you. It is simply human behavior and habit at work. Learn to take care of yourself first and when others witness this change in your values, they might even help out!

All these issues are based on perception and when you pay yourself first, you teach others your importance by giving yourself that importance. It is all the example you give them. If you care about yourself enough, others will pick up on it and respond accordingly.

I must admit, this is the most difficult “Tuesday Topic” I have dealt with so far. It brings out memories of my “martyr” mother and other self-sacrificing, victims I’ve encountered throughout my life. It is not a comfortable negotiation for me to discuss the right to selfishness or promote living for oneself due to the stigma it has brought about on me for many years. The accusations of being too self centered stemmed from my natural tendency to be happy, my party girl youth, not having had children, having bohemian friends, living on South Beach…well actually the audacity of living my life!! I am the opposite of victim without being a victimizer. I actually enjoy my life and don’t play by anyone else’s rules, what an outrage!!

Yes, I have paid myself first!! Even being as giving, generous and nurturing as many of you know me to be. I’ve led a selfish life and mostly got my way through out it. Yet, I’ve shared my successes, credited my muses and benefactors, loved many people wholeheartedly and most importantly inspired and shared the best of myself with many people.

The strength of the support I’ve given others has stemmed from my conviction to lead the life I’ve led. It has not always been the easiest road or even that of less resistance, but it’s been a hell of a ride. If you can’t take it, there are many roads to choose from. No matter what you choose, remember to pay yourself first….without you and your needs being met, there isn’t much you can contribute to the rest of us here waiting patiently.

Patience is a Virtue, HA!!

When I was a little defenseless girl, the nuns at my school would tell me that patience was a virtue. It was meant to soothe my accelerated nature and actually frustrated me all the more. The reason being, I didn’t understand the concept. Unfortunately, I still don’t. What about being patient is so virtuous? What is the big deal? Is anything going to happen faster or slower due to one’s attitude towards it? I don’t get it!!

If I am dealing with someone who has some physical or mental deficiency, I know he won’t react as fast. By the same token I can’t move or think as fast as people who are stronger and brighter than I. Patience has nothing to do with it.

I couldn’t wait to make my own life decisions when I was an adolescent, and I had to wait until I entered my twenties to decide my own fate. Patience didn’t change that either!!

I yearn for certain hours and days to pass and it doesn’t change the measure of time. I long for the company of certain people and they manifest on their own pace. What I feel may attract them, but what happens and when is totally out of my control.

What does virtue have to do with it? Do things happen faster or better to those whom possess virtue or behave well? Isn’t that as empty as saying that blondes have more fun? Virtue has its own rewards by being good by intrinsic value. I still don’t see how patience plays a part in it…

I mean, if you’re hot, you want something cold. And when you are cold, you seek warmth. Patience doesn’t make the situation more comfortable. It might just delay relief. When I need to pay some bills or want a material thing, I seek earning the money I need for it. I don’t wait for it to manifest by my attracting the concept. Impatience imposes action, which is what is necessary to make things happen. How is that ever a virtue? Shall I just sit around waiting? I’d rather sleep or watch a video.

Let's not wait around...get up and do something!!

You never know who you'll meet…

Isn’t it thrilling? The unexpected nature of life itself absolutely enchants me daily. You never know who you’ll meet or what might happen. It just does! There really is never a dull moment if you open yourself to all the possibilities life has in store for you.

My entire life has been an adventure. Nothing has been planned or rehearsed, I wasn’t programmed by my family or upbringing to follow a certain path, nothing was preordained for me…it was a free form creative process I’m still working on. I hope to someday obtain the status of what Oscar Wilde talked about when he said some people made art while others lived art. Well, I hope to live art and enjoy my masterpiece with all I meet…because, well…you never know who you’ll meet…

A month ago today, I met an amazing man I am absolutely intrigued by. A week later I met extraordinary people who are probably contributing to the Tuesday Topic experience today. The week after I met a new group of people I’m currently working with…the list expands, the world widens and our perceptions of life never are the same. We mold each other with our actions and attitudes everyday. Then we meet more people and more ideas are shared, new projects are born and then…life itself is transformed.

When writers express the adage, “You can never go home again,” it has to do with all the journeys we take figuratively as well as literally. And as well traveled as you may be, aren’t the people in your life the biggest trips you’ve ever had? I’m sure you are thinking of some of them right now….I won’t disturb your experience with my stories and allow you to reflect.

Before the holidays, I met one of the most fascinating women ever! Her name is Margaret Kent and she wrote How to Marry the Man of Your Choice. What a compelling, dynamite and delightful woman she is! Her wit and charm surpass almost anyone humanly possible. By the way her husband smiles and responds to her, she must be the most wonderful companion known on earth. Well, she coached me on meeting eligible bachelors by instructing me to say hello to all the men I run across for a week. My assignment was to greet 100 men without necessarily creating conversation. Talk about never knowing who you’ll meet! It was curiously simple to greet 100 men, but the best part was sharing stories about my experiences doing so! I had so much fun; I don’t ever have to do it again. Please try it…you never know who you’ll meet!!

On Growing Up…Does Anyone?

Have you ever visited your parents or some other older aunt or uncle who immediately treats you like you are still 10 years old? Do you then behave accordingly? I think we all do to some extent. The reason being, we never really grow up!

Take my dad for example, he is 82 years old and still plays cowboys and Indians. At a local casino, he approached a Native American dressed in Chief regalia and asked, “Are you Sitting Bull?” The man just looked at him in astonishment. My dad answered, “I am Caballo Loco! Let’s talk awhile…” He sat and talked to this man about sundry things and just made a friend with the freshness and innocence of an eight year old. Why not?

Aren’t we all children? I just started working in an office surrounded by men who had become accustomed to being surrounded by only men. I noticed their discomfort at feeling my femininity around them. So, I bought them all candy and said, “This is for my boys!” Now they look at me with wide smiles knowing I will nurture and accept them.

It is very simple, we don’t grow up! We want candy, we want to play and we want to be accepted by new friends. Use it to your advantage and play more. Laugh easily! Love with an open heart! Enjoy being a cowboy or Indian with innocence! Life is too short to be so serious…it might kill you!!

Being What You Say You Are....

In life we all wear masks. Women wear makeup; men wear facial hair. Our clothes are like suits of armor. Representing who we are in the world; and yet, where does authenticity reside? Is our real self when we wake up in the morning? Right after we’ve showered? Or when we get ready for bed? Who is the real person underneath the image of our career, appearance or story we tell? When does the façade become hypocrisy? Or are we truly the occupation or level of wealth we display? What is our truer self?

For me, I separate who I am professionally from who I am. My identity…