Risk Taking and Courage...

"It takes courage to love," says Maya Angelou to Dave Chappelle on Iconoclasts for the Sundance Channel. Yes, I must agree. "You risk everything," she smiles with a knowing nod and my heart breaks.



A few years ago, I had a health scare where I feared to have begun my road towards heart disease. My blood pressure had become very much elevated and I was experiencing chest pains. The philosopher within me was seeing the metaphor of how many times my heart has been broken and how much I've subjected my feelings to. I've been rough on my emotions and lived quite intensely. Maybe the time had come to give my heart a little break and take some medication to ease the work it goes through.

After a series of tests, I discovered the old tick tock is doing just fine. My blood pressure is okay and my beat goes on splendidly. So much for my lapse into middle age, apparently my body isn't ready to age just yet. I'm getting a second chance to do better for myself and work on maintenance. Time for some gratitude and a health kick!!

How does this apply to risk taking and courage? Well, it hasn't killed me yet!!

As I look back on my life, I think I've lived somewhat recklessly. I've quit jobs at a whim. Kicked people out of my life for whatever reason I felt was important at the time. I've traveled across the country for the hell of it for an adventure. I pursued and met the most intriguing people because I just had to, traveled with them and collaborated on fascinating projects together.

What is the price of risk taking? Oh, I love my life. My choices have separated me from many dear people and also created a lot of loneliness when others don't understand why I must do what I do. I've lost many things along the way, but oh the wonderful insights and lessons I've earned. There are many battle scars on my warrior soul, but the journey into the unknown has been amazing.

In retrospect, I don't know if I've really had courage. Maybe the biggest element of my choices has been the fear of being miserable in complacent living. Settling for unhappiness is the most frightening thought that kills the human spirit. Heaven forbid!!

I have to be me…Pa’lante!!

Do you trust your feelings?

(for Kerry)

As a 44 year old, divorced woman with my share of life’s mistakes; perhaps I should have married someone else, had children, studied towards a completely different career or chosen to live in some other city /country. Here I am and here I am…A conglomeration of the decisions and choices I’ve made and mistakes I’ve committed. Luckily, I sleep well and night and I truly like the person I’ve become. I enjoy what I do for a living, have wonderful friends and live a comfortable life in South Beach. When I review what I have done and how I lived up to this point, I am at peace and enjoy my memories. The only regret I sometimes have is not always having trusted my instincts completely. There were times that I knew certain outcomes without any proof, yet I ignored them. I didn’t listen to the inner voice which we all possess telling me what is right in front of me. Inevitably, the outcome was exactly what I knew it would be and I wasted my time giving either the situation or person a chance. Stupid I…What I wonder is if I created the waste of time by my thoughts or if my perceptions were right on target from the get go.

Do you trust your feelings? When you meet someone and they seem like a soul mate or just the person you were expecting to welcome into your life, are those signals correct? Is it just wishful thinking?

When I was in college, I met someone I thought should be an artist. He had never considered art as an occupation much less as anything to consider pursuing. I convinced him, knowing deep within my soul that he was an untapped source of creativity and needed to develop. Now, he is a major, international curator and lives a life few even dare to dream about. I tapped into something there! I knew it.

Recently, I met a man where we both feel an amazing connection. Should we trust it? Believe me, I’ve been attracted to men before and felt special vibes on other occasions. Somehow this time is different…there is a knowing although I really don’t “know him.”

So, should I trust it and embrace the inner consciousness that tells me this is my soul mate or should I be apprehensive and wait to know everything I can possibly know about him and overanalyze every word, step and gesture? Right! I don’t have that type of attention span, but you know what I mean…the real question is about trusting one’s instincts and inner voice. The reality is that there have been great works of literature and endless movies exploring the complexity of relationships and the fact that after sharing a lifetime together, you may one day wake up to someone you never knew. The complexity even grows deeper into the realization of the individual not having even known him or her. We never “really” know!

So, why don’t we trust it? We don’t trust ourselves. It has nothing to do with the other individual. We don’t trust our choices, judgment and risk taking…We don’t really trust ourselves! What a concept.

Now let’s break this down a bit. Think about your life disappointments AND successes. Wasn’t the difference usually your attitude and outlook? Or do you believe the old adage that “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” and we have no part in the outcome? It may just come down to what you choose to believe.