Dealing with Forgiveness

This is a tough one! How do you deal with forgiveness? Do you kiss and make-up? Do you let it go, but always remember? Do you seemingly move on, but constantly remind others of their faults? Do you turn the other cheek?

Think of a time you were wronged and truly dissect what your reaction was. Then try these questions by Byron Katie from her Work:

1. Is it true?
2. Are you sure?
3. How do you react to that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

These questions are very simple and powerful at the same time. Okay, so somebody wronged you. Are you sure it is true? Let's dig deeper...

FACT (according to you): Ana hurt your feelings.
ASK YOURSELF: Is it true?
Did Ana intentionally hurt you or did something Ana do or say produce a feeling inside of you?
Are you sure?
Did Ana want to inflict this pain to you?
Did her actions solely exist to produce your pain?
How do you react to that thought?
What did you do to Ana?
Did you try to hurt her in return so she could feel your pain?
Did you betray her for having hurt your feelings?
Who would you be without that thought?
What if Ana never intended to hurt you?
What if she was going through something totally unrelated to what you thought was happening?
What if your reaction was totally unnecessary and no harm was intended?

If you find you are having trouble with Forgiveness, I strongly recommend Byron Katie's book by that title. It is very likely that a lack of forgiveness in a person's life can produce illnesses and undesirable stress. What I am completely sure of is that not forgiving others is definitely more harmful to the person holding the grudge.

What do I REALLY want?

Why do I always ask the tough questions? I guess I’m just wired that way…I like to ponder. This question in particular has been nagging me for weeks now...What do I really want? What? Really now.

The answer is quite simple. I want to be happy. Happiness entails freedom from worry, disenchantment, struggle or conflict. It is a sense of peace mostly within oneself. To achieve it, one must be harmonious with others, nature and true to one’s inner self. It fills the heart with satisfaction of doing the right thing, making good thought out decisions and living up to one’s ideals. Being happy is also quite vague.

I cannot be happy without having meaning. What I do or dedicate myself must have meaning. The lack of it makes me feel empty. However, choosing what might be meaningful is not always that easy. It takes more than contributing to society. It has to be fulfilling at some spiritual or emotional depth so that pleasure kicks in. Gee, I’m getting complicated now…is happiness possible?

Dealing with Fears

According to Wikipedia: Fear is an emotional response to a threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.

So let's ask the following questions:

Is there a real threat?
Will you survive?
Are you in danger?

Let's think about the economy and current challenges the world is facing.

Is there a real threat? As far as I can tell, there are still plenty of places to live and things to eat. Are basic needs really going to not be covered regardless of employment issues or bank statements?

Will you survive? Why not? This is not the end of the world, just a paradigm shift. Ride it out.

Are you in danger? Physical, mental, emotional dangers vary. This question takes a little more reflection. However, money comes and goes. Is the ego or identity you house with material things making you sick with worry? Is stuff really that important? What are you really going to lose if anything at all?

We are living in an era pregnant with fear. I feel it all started with 9-11 and the tragedy of the Twin Towers. To me, fear is almost un-American. We have always been known as a country of adventuresome, brazen and inventive people. Fear kills American ingenuity. If we succumb to fear, the bad-guys win. Whoever those bad guys are...if you find them in a dark alley, be sure to run fast. Otherwise, be brazen and live out loud! Unless your life is really in some danger or threat, fear is a useless emotion.

Happy Hispanic Heritage Month!

I think any explanation of what it means to be Hispanic is mostly weak. However, I think this video my friend Gema sent me does it beautifully. It is all encompassing, a mix, a rebellious spirit, a connection...



Enjoy!!

Lonely Hearts Online

I’m no stranger to online chats, personals and dating sites. It was my oasis after my divorce in 2000 when I was clueless to what was out there. However, I am really worried about what has been happening in that cyber world of singles and mingles with all the wrong motives. It has and is destroying too many relationships and psyches. It definitely is taking a toll on my mind.

Infidelity is taking a new dimension online and it is really frightening. It ruined a high profile career this year in NY State. It has ruined multiple relationships I know of close friends of mine. It has also caused marriages out of these virtual unions that many times last longer than traditional courtship ones.

What disturbs me is that it isn’t real. I’ve had online friendships and met many people through social media, but the majority of these connections I’ve had throughout the years are based on fiction. There are also many extremely lonely people on these sites that have lost their ability to connect and relate to real people. The “safeness” of online romances is taking over dealing with real feelings and issues in daily life relationships. The fantasy of love and acceptance is virtual, not three-dimensional.

And yet, feelings are feelings. If you dream about a cyber friend/mate, then it is real in your brain. Except, it is a fantasy world. This is not reality and like an old movie I loved in the eighties called Brainstorm, it can really distort your life and views, perhaps even your values.



It has come to the point that I even use FB with caution. In reality, I don’t know most of my “friends” and have no idea who they are. It really freaks me out when I’m addressed directly by someone and I have no idea of who they are. It is different when people introduce themselves and give some sort of reference as to who, what and why they are addressing you. But out of the blue, writing as if they know you? Pretty freaky!

...then there are the emotional predators, but that will be another blog.

Freedom

What is the meaning of Freedom? I hear Janice Joplin singing in my mind. I feel the defiance with which I have lived. I know the price of freedom and the addictive quality of having and keeping it. It is a wild streak within the Figueredo family...we are fiercely independent. It is not always the best trait to have.

On the other hand, it is wonderful to be free! I do what I want, when I want with whomever I want. It feels pretty damn good! I chose this too. When I was growing up and saw the life many of my peers had ahead of them, I ran. I flew down to Miami the day after I graduated from high school to avoid the marriage and children thing. Then the bohemian life set in and I haven't left it since. It has been a great ride! Sometimes my life has been irresponsible, sometimes lonely, but mostly adventurous and mainly happy. I am at peace with my decisions.

It is probably more of a burden on those around me who don't really understand why I won't show up when I don't feel like company. Sometimes I choose to spend weekends in solitude or vacation alone. Holidays are usually a nuisance for me and I prefer to hang with old friends than relatives most of the time. I pursue my projects and interests completely absorbed and unaware of how time passes. It makes me forgetful and sometimes unaware of other obligations.

I forgot to grow up. Many times I've stormed out of jobs, relationships and situations without looking back with the maturity level of a three year old. "I'm done!" I'd think and walk away without really knowing what the outcome would be and then of course the repercussions would come later.


Now is that freedom? Well, if you think of how some women live in oppressive societies then yes. Even some orthodox groups in our own country keep women from experiencing the joys of traveling or going out on adventures as I have. Women don't always get to truly discover who they are without being identified with a spouse, her parents or children.

I always think of the Billie Holiday song "Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do!" and "if I get the notion to jump into the ocean, ain't no body's business if I do..." I believe it is a true anthem of freedom.

Adjusting

I've always thought of myself as maladjusted. Something just doesn't fit about me. It might be from my non-conformist family; being told I'm different; or just that I don't usually feel like I'm part of what "seems" to be happening around me.

It seems strange to be told I'm different when I've always felt the same. I have always been me, ever since I was born. There are things I find funny, amusing or interesting that hold my attention. Most other things slip through my mind as easily and swiftly as a summer breeze.

Then there is adjusting. Each time a new job, person, thing or object comes into my life there is some adjusting to do. They all take space you know. The real estate can exist in my living room, mind or office. It doesn't matter. It can even be how time is being invested, hopefully not spent. The ripple effect spreads through the sea of my thoughts and I won't ever be the same.

Isn't it lovely?

We are never the same after impacting a space, place or mind. Never!! The effect lingers and the imprint is cast. This is very personal.

If nothing else, I invite you to ponder whether you spend or invest your time.